I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
