i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
