If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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