Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Holy sore nipples Batman
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
