Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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