I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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