My cat gives me a boner
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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