i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
