The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
