Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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