Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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