i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
