So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
