I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
