i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
