I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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