did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
