Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
