Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I checked into jail on foursquare
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
