??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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