soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
