So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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