I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
