just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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