There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
