I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
