i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
