he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I lost the right to judge tonight
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
