I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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