When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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