K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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