I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
