I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
