sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
