You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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