A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
there is glitter all over my balls
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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