do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
