you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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