I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
