Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
