What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
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im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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