No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
