I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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