I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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