You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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