i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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