this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
