oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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