So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
