Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
