I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Enjoy the penises
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
