Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
