Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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