brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
